Divorce can be a hellish affair, and not just on the parting spouses.
At best, the process is trying on the spirit of anyone involved, but children are terrified of what they learn or imagine about divorce.

When my marriage headed for destruction, I soon realized how terribly vulnerable our then 4-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son were. My husband and I, after our vocal sparring led to yelling at each other, “split up” in our home. When in the house at the same time, we avoided each other like the bird flu.

“I remember the day you and Daddy were crying,” our now 6-year-old daughter recalled recently, and I winced at the pain that our anger and angst caused her.

Early on, I knew I didn't want our children being questioned by a social worker or maybe a judge evaluating their lives and troubled psyches in our unhappy home and determining the need for testing and/or therapy from someone I probably would have no voice in selecting.

I became convinced of all that, from that first lonely morning sitting with my soon-to-be Ex on that cold wooden bench in that drafty courthouse hallway, waiting for what could have been a bitter blame-game and custody battle in front of strangers in a courtroom. Down the hallway the lawyers for both of us, that morning, were socializing with each other and other divorce lawyers, too. I perceived it as a political atmosphere, and I was fearful of it.

I decided that the courtroom experience is not for anyone's family, breaking up or not.

That's when I discovered the Collaborative Law process, through my lawyer.
I was fortunate; my spouse soon agreed with me, and we moved our divorce proceedings out of the courthouse. I didn't want the best "litigating attorney" deciding the primary terms of our settlement, terms that would affect our children and both of us for the rest of our lives.

Without resorting to any litigation drama or trauma, Collaborative Law provided a more personalized approach to dissolving a marriage and dividing a family. I believe my children and I escaped heavy wear and tear on our spirits and souls.

There was still no joy in the process, but Collaborative Law gave my family the flexibility to make the crucial divorce choices to meet our needs. Today my children are well settled in their new routines, school and extracurricular activities, as well as their new relationships with divorced parents and the related families. The whole experience, I believe, brought brother and sister closer together.

In what is perhaps Collaborative Law's biggest miracle, their father and I have a better relationship now than we've had in many years.

“You guys don't fight anymore,” our son, now 8, said recently.

My Ex and I have equal joint-custody of our children, and we formulated a good joint-parenting arrangement. I truly believe the divorce transition was simplified, softened and facilitated by using the Collaborative Law system. We didn't destroy our ongoing need to share parental responsibilities.

Our children were not scarred for life, emotionally, psychologically or any other way.

“It' s better now,” our daughter agrees.

As related by Gina Annis, former collaborative law client